The Anxiety Solution Read online

  Whenever I tried to meditate I got frustrated by the torrent of thoughts that kept coming in, and having to sit in silence only made me even more aware of the anxious tightness in my chest or the pounding of my heart. I would, however, get glimpses of the power of meditation when I suddenly felt myself drifting into a deeper part of myself where things felt quieter and calmer. The problem was that I was using meditation as an occasional tool to try to calm extreme nerves or panic. And as anyone who’s ever tried to sit still and calm the mind when they’re panicking will know, this just doesn’t work. I just knew meditation wasn’t for me.

  What I later learnt is that meditation is far more than a relaxation tool. Yes, it’s a great way to calm yourself and relax, which is essential when you’re anxious. But it’s also a tool for changing the structure and function of your brain, to make you more positive and happy. It’s something that needs to be done regularly to reap the benefits, rather than every so often.

  In about 2010 I began to dabble again in meditation. I would do it regularly for a few weeks and, lo and behold, I would feel better. But then – as so many of us do with new habits – I got cocky, thinking I no longer needed it. I gave it up. A few weeks later I had slipped back into feeling stressed out and worried again. This cycle continued for months.

  When I finally started meditating regularly, in 2013, it was nothing short of game-changing. Up until that point I used to tell myself things like, ‘Who’s got time to meditate?! I’ve got shit to do!’ I was convinced I didn’t even have time for a lunch break, let alone to meditate. It seemed like a luxury. A waste of time that I just couldn’t justify.

  But by then I had realized that there’s no point in being productive or even ‘successful’ if you’re miserable and anxious. There’s also no point in being busy if the work you produce is below par because you’re so frazzled and tense that your best stuff doesn’t get a chance to shine through. I really wanted to help other people to become less anxious, and it finally dawned on me that the best thing I could do to help others was to help myself first. These days I think of meditation as being as essential as showering – like a daily cleansing for the nervous system! It’s literally that high up on my list of priorities.

  I had feared that meditating would take away time from my work and my social life. Part of me worried that I would fall behind and nothing would ever get done. Actually, I found that the opposite was true. I was able to work with calm focus, meaning I got more done with less stress. Creativity just seemed to flow more easily and, because I was more at peace with myself, my connection with friends and my boyfriend seemed to get better. For me, meditation is the antidote to the ills of modern life.

  I’m not the only one. Meditation has helped dozens of my clients prove to themselves that they have the power to literally rewire their own brains to make them a happier place to be. My client Nadia, twenty-six, who works in sales, uses meditation to calm herself and has found it totally life-changing. ‘I’m just sorry I didn’t try it earlier because, now, I’m a total convert. It has changed my mindset completely. If I stop doing it for more than a few days my mood unravels and anxieties creep back in. But as long as I do ten minutes every day, I know I can stay calm.’

  You’ll find out more about meditation, how it can help and how to do it in the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine. But for now, if you’re telling yourself, ‘I don’t have time to meditate,’ instead, ask yourself, ‘Do I have time to feel anxious and unhappy?’

  Summary

  ★ You have the power to make anxiety a totally manageable part of your life.

  ★ Many of the reasons for anxiety are learnt, and you can unlearn them, even if genetic factors or traumatic or stressful events have affected you.

  ★ Meditation is one of the single most powerful tools you have to rewire your brain to make it less prone to anxiety.

  ★ With as little as ten minutes focused practice a day you can be well on your way to bringing your anxiety under control.

  CHAPTER 4

  Boosting self-esteem

  To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.

  THICH NHAT HANH, BUDDHIST MONK

  Until a couple of years ago it didn’t matter to me what I’d achieved in any one day – it never felt like enough. There was always more to do, more to achieve, there were more pressing items on my to-do list. I didn’t think I deserved relaxation time. I would feel guilty if I took the evening off to watch a film, telling myself I should be doing something productive. I put so much pressure on myself that I would either overwork until I was a headachey, tense mess or spiral the other way, procrastinating on the web for hours, unable to tackle anything because the self-imposed pressure made me too anxious.

  I’ve spoken to a lot of women about this; it comes up time and time again. I believe one of the biggest sources of our anxiety is the feeling of not doing or being enough. It’s as if we all believe that anything less than perfect is rubbish. This belief is often at the root of why we push ourselves so hard and give ourselves such a mental beating. But if you allow yourself to feel that you are already good enough, you can just do your best, knowing that it’s always enough.

  Of course, there may be very real pressures on you right now. But if you’re really honest, much of the time it’s pressure you put on yourself. Whether it’s to be successful, achieve a goal, look a certain way or please other people, there’s a belief that once you achieve it, whatever it is, then you’ll be happy. People often sacrifice their happiness and wellbeing in the moment and create a tonne of pressure and anxiety, believing it will lead to happiness at some point in the future.

  But this isn’t how life works. In his book The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor discusses the way many of us put off happiness until we’re ‘successful’. How many times have you said to yourself, ‘Once I get that promotion/lose 10 lbs/move to a bigger house, then I’ll be happy’? But Shawn’s studies suggest that we should be thinking about this the other way around. When we put our happiness first, it actually enables us to be more successful. ‘When we are positive, our brains become more engaged, creative, motivated, energetic, resilient and productive at work,’ says Shawn. (You’ll learn how to put your happiness first and super-charge your positivity in the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine.)

  In the battle against perfectionism it’s also crucial to live according to your own values and not to let anyone else’s definition of success rule your life. Ask yourself, ‘Is what I’m striving for what I really want?’ Author and self-help guru for the modern woman, Gabrielle Bernstein, encourages us to measure our ‘success’ by how much fun we’re having. What if that was your priority, rather than whatever the media or society is currently claiming represents success? What if you measured your achievements in happiness, peace of mind and fun? Imagine for a moment what that would be like? It is possible – it’s your life and you are in control, no one else.

  Supercharge your self-esteem

  Self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about yourself and how you value your own opinions and rate your worth. Confidence and self-esteem are two different things. Confidence refers to your belief in your ability to do something. It’s possible to be an outwardly confident person – being happy to speak in public or to wear super-short shorts, for example – but inside to suffer from crippling self-esteem issues. I’ll talk more about how to improve your confidence levels in Chapter six, but for now, let’s focus on self-esteem.

  Self-esteem is really important when it comes to your anxiety levels. Healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean thinking you’re perfect; just the opposite – it means loving yourself, faults and all. In fact, it is a super important ally when it comes to facing down perfectionism. If your self-esteem is fragile, you’re less likely to be able to handle criticism and bounce back after disappointments. It can also stop you from taking care of yourself and can hold you back from trying new things. When you
have low self-esteem you are extra vulnerable to falling into the trap of thinking that, since you clearly aren’t perfect, you must be useless. You take criticism, rejection or mistakes as further proof of your lack of value. This feeling of not being good enough can create a lot of anxiety.

  A client recently said to me, ‘I know there are so many things I should be doing that would be good for me, such as meditation or exercise, but I don’t feel I’m worth taking care of.’ This really broke my heart. If we don’t feel we’re worth it, it makes sense that it’s hard to take care of ourselves. When we know our own value, though, it becomes second nature. And when we’re prioritizing self-care we feel more supported and able to handle life’s ups and downs.

  The problem with self-esteem

  In the seventies there was a ‘self-esteem movement’. Experts told parents that the key to raising happy kids was to boost their self-esteem, no matter what. In an attempt to ensure that children felt great about themselves, many parents and teachers told them how smart, brilliant and perfect they were. But this approach, however well intentioned, can really backfire. My client Anna, twenty-six, told me, ‘I was treated like a princess and told I was special; more intelligent and beautiful than other children.’ Her family wanted her to feel good about herself – and yes, she was a great kid – but the idea of specialness and perfection wasn’t based on reality. (It never is, since perfection doesn’t exist.) When she went to university Anna discovered she wasn’t the smartest person there, or the prettiest either. Her artificially inflated self-esteem was crushed and she felt terrible about herself as a result.

  That’s why it’s important to build your self-esteem on solid ground, on things that are real. And not only that but to work on self-compassion, too – recognizing yourself as imperfect and human but worthy and good enough just as you are. The good news is that you have loads of genuine reasons to feel good about yourself. Check out the four exercises in the following pages to start building up your self-worth.

  Building your self-worth

  In his book Feeling Good, psychiatrist Dr David Burns, a cognitive-behavioural-therapy (CBT) expert, asked one of his clients to draw a line on a piece of graph paper showing her ‘worth’ over time. She drew a squiggled line that dipped when she lost her job and again when she gained weight and rose a little when she got a promotion and then a new boyfriend. Afterwards, David took the pen and drew a straight line across the graph paper. She may have believed that she was worth less when she didn’t have a job or a boyfriend but he wanted to demonstrate to her that she was always valuable and worthwhile.

  Your worth is not dependent on external things. It doesn’t fluctuate, no matter what you do or don’t do. It isn’t tied to how productive you are. Think about it: if someone you love is unwell, or elderly, or has decided to quit the nine-to-five to travel the world, they may not be being ‘productive’ in terms of work but they are no less loved and valuable to you. Even if you did nothing all day you would still be valuable. As a human being, you are worthwhile just for being you.

  It’s also important to remember that you’ve always done your best. It’s often said that we’re all ‘doing the best we can with the tools and resources we have at the time’. The truth is, if you’d had tools or resources or insights to have done things better or differently in the past, then you would have. Maybe you’ve used the fact that you have anxiety as another reason to give yourself a hard time. Anxiety is flippin’ hard enough without adding an extra layer of guilt into the mix. When you’re anxious, beating yourself up over perceived mistakes can feel like a full-time occupation. You might tell yourself you should be better, should be over it or shouldn’t feel the way you feel. Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself! From now on, banish all those ‘shoulds’ and be kind to yourself.

  You have intrinsic worth just for being you. This is enough. You are not broken, deficient or lacking in any way. It’s a bloody miracle that we human beings exist at all, evolving out of stardust over five billion years. Just think, you’re one of the most complex and beautiful beings in the universe! You have always been and will always be enough. Remind yourself of this until you believe it because, I promise you, it’s true.

  Exercise: change your perspective

  See yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Imagine them standing in front of you. Then float up out of yourself and into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes. Feel with their heart. Hear with their ears. See the things that they see in you: your smile, your amazing sense of humour, your unique style, your beautiful mind and the quirks that make you the gorgeous, lovable woman that you are. From their perspective, tell yourself everything you need to know to understand how loved and valued you are. Send a warm glow back to yourself, then float back into your body and receive that love and appreciation.

  Exercise: zoom in on the positives

  Focus on the things you like about yourself – do you make your friends laugh like nothing else? Are you a fantastic baker? Do you pick really thoughtful gifts for people? Do you have a legendary sense of direction? Have you overcome a big challenge and bounced back? Did you get some great feedback at your last work review? Did you do something awesome lately to help someone? Focusing on the things you appreciate and like about yourself reminds you of all the ways that you’re a worthwhile, valuable person. Remember, you don’t have to be ‘special’ or be ‘the best’ to be valuable. You’re valuable already! I’d like to challenge you to write a list of fifty things you like about yourself and refer back to the list often. You can also try creating a ‘jar of awesome’. On bits of paper, write down compliments you’ve been given, things you’ve done well, challenges you’ve handled, positive thoughts you’ve had about yourself, achievements you’ve had and times you helped other people. Put them all into a jam jar and fish a few out to read whenever you need a boost.

  Exercise: do what you love

  Discover your strengths and the things you’re good at – and go and do them. Nothing gives us a self-esteem boost more than doing an activity we enjoy and that we’re good at. If you’re great at singing, belt out a song. If you’re amazing at planning parties and events, go and plan one! Does writing light you up? Start that blog or book you’ve been thinking about. Do you love to travel and organize trips? Get one booked in. (Also, can I come?) You have many gifts and strengths and I truly believe it’s your life’s purpose to find out what they are and have fun doing them. Being good at stuff and doing what we love gives us a serious boost.

  Exercise: review your relationships

  Is it time to do a relationship audit? Look at who you spend most time with. Do they build you up or drag you down? Maybe you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support you, or you have a friend who’s always competing against you or letting you down. It might be the moment to start being more assertive with these people, or to let them go completely. I know this is easier said than done, but you deserve to be surrounded by people who love, support and believe in you, so have a good think about the people in your life that add to it and those who don’t. Maybe it’s about setting boundaries with people and letting them know what is and isn’t OK with you. When you set a boundary you’re making an important statement to yourself and other people that you value yourself.

  And remember, basing your self-esteem on what other people think always puts you on shaky ground since it’s only ever someone’s opinion, and that can a) always change, and b) is outside of your control. When it comes to feeling calm, happy and good about yourself, doing things to impress or get approval from other people is a really bad idea. Don’t get caught up in extrinsic goals – all those external things that society and other people tell you you should want. Intrinsic or internal goals are the real deal because they’re just damn satisfying for you. Completing them, which doesn’t depend on anyone else, is its own reward. Examples of intrinsic goals might be studying something because you find it totally fascinating, heading to the gym because you want
to feel strong, or playing a musical instrument because it makes you feel free and soulful and you love seeing yourself improve. What intrinsic goals could you focus on?

  Self-esteem and busyness

  Is being busy a badge of honour for you? Do you need constant work and activity in order to feel like you’re worth something? Do you proudly proclaim how ‘crazy busy’ you are? The pressure is incredible and, yup, it’s totally exhausting. Modern society may put worldly success and productivity up on a pedestal but, by now, it should be becoming obvious that permanent striving for them doesn’t deliver results – at least not the ones we want. We run around, chase after goals, push to get things done, work hard and play harder for fear of missing out or ‘not making the most of life’. Then we end up burnt out and too anxious to enjoy our lives.

  Yes, it’s good to set goals and work towards them, but not at the expense of your mental health. If you act like a Duracell bunny every hour of the day, then you’re going to be an exhausted, anxious mess and that’s no good for you or anyone else. You’ve got to recharge those batteries. Being constantly busy creates an overwhelming stream of information that your poor overworked brain has to process. You need breaks to work through it all. What’s more, your adrenal glands, which are responsible for producing cortisol and adrenaline, need a rest from being constantly in ‘go’ mode. Can you start to view rest and relaxation as being just as ‘productive’ as busyness? Repeat after me: ‘I need rest to be at my best.’