The Anxiety Solution Read online

  If this sounds familiar, please give yourself a break. There’s actually an explanation for this phenomenon of there always being a new thing to worry about. It’s called Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Abraham Maslow was a psychologist and came up with his groundbreaking theory back in 1943. He claimed that we all have needs which we are constantly trying to meet. The most basic and crucial ones are for things like food and shelter because, unless they are met, we will die. Once we’ve dealt with those, we move on to safety, which includes things like good health and personal security. The next tier of needs covers friendship, intimacy and family; then comes esteem and respect. Finally, once we’ve taken care of everything else, comes self-actualization. That’s the fun stuff about finding your purpose, uncovering your passions and living the fullest life you possibly can.

  In modern times in our culture, many of us are lucky enough to have our basic needs met, which is clearly great. But that simply opens us up to new levels of things to worry about. Things such as our achievements, what other people think of us, what we think of ourselves, our creative pursuits, what we look like or reaching our full potential. Yes, we’re in an incredibly privileged position to be able to worry about these things, but it’s all relative and your feelings are valid. It’s normal, as more of your needs are met, that the things which concern you will change.

  All this shame and guilt mean that it’s no surprise that, according to a 2010 survey by Anxiety UK, 55 per cent of us don’t feel comfortable telling others about our anxiety.14 This sense of isolation and stigma has serious consequences. It is very often one of the reasons people don’t get help. Another study found that only 15–25 per cent of people with some kind of anxiety actually get treatment for it.15

  Please remember that you are not unusual if you suffer from anxiety. The statistics suggest that 22 per cent of us suffer from it. Don’t let your feelings of isolation or guilt around not being able to cope stop you from seeking help. As well as speaking to your GP, try contacting one of the organizations listed in the back of the book. There is a lot of support out there.

  Reasons to be cheerful

  A seriously reassuring study recently found that 85 per cent of the things we worry about actually end up having positive outcomes and 79 per cent of people coped better than they thought they would when things didn’t go to plan.16 I’m sure you’ve had the experience of dreading something beforehand – a party or a meeting – and imagining all the things that could go wrong, only to find that in reality it goes well and you actually enjoy yourself. Things will probably turn out fine and, even if they don’t, you’ll handle them better than your anxious mind thought you could.

  Here’s something else that happens when we’re worried. We get confused about probability and possibility. When we turn on the news, it’s easy to think that the world is a dangerous place. Fear-mongering stories grab people’s attention and drive up ratings. We’re all glued to our phones, so the intricate details of the latest world horror are only ever a few clicks away. Those things are, of course, sadly real. But because it’s only the bad stuff that is reported in the media, our perception about the probability of something terrible happening is skewed. There is always that possibility but the probability is very small.

  You might find it reassuring to know that, despite all the doom and gloom, in the media it simply isn’t true that the world is on the decline and suffering is at its peak. The data says differently. The website Our World in Data17 shows us that the world has never been a safer, richer, healthier place. There is less poverty, fewer homicides, fewer wars and more democracy than ever before. Average life expectancy in the UK has gone from thirty-four years in 1543 to eighty-two in the year 2012. For the majority of us there has never been a better, safer time to be alive.

  I want you to consider that people have coped with things for millennia. You and your DNA are the result of 200,000 years of natural selection during which only the toughest, smartest and most resilient humans survived to make babies. You are a refined and brilliant human being. You’re, basically, amazing. Don’t underestimate your abilities and resources. You already have all the abilities and strengths to survive and be happy. It’s built into your human-ness. Believing you are capable is the only thing you need to do to actually be capable.

  I remember talking to my mum a few years ago about childbirth. I was pretty anxious about the whole idea of pushing a tiny human out of me (we’ve all heard the ‘pulling a chicken out of your nose’ equivalence stories, haven’t we?!) and all the pain, blood and potential danger involved. What she told me changed the way I thought about it for ever. She explained that there is an intelligence and wisdom in the human body that knows what to do, a part of you that was passed down from mother to daughter through every generation. It’s instinctual. It’s innate. We contain resources we’re not necessarily even conscious of which we can call upon when we need them most. We can absolutely trust ourselves to know what to do when that moment of birth comes because it’s in our DNA. This is true of any situation in life.

  If all this sounds too good to be true, don’t worry! This book is full of strategies that will support you in worrying less. It takes practice, but you can do it. For now, I want you to just hold this thought: your anxiety is not your destiny. You are way more powerful than you realize and you will get past it.

  Summary

  ★ Young women are particularly vulnerable to anxiety but there are lots of things you can do to help yourself.

  ★ If you suspect you are suffering from anxiety, make an appointment with your GP or contact a support group such as MIND. Don’t self-diagnose your anxiety.

  ★ Anxiety is never your fault. Neither is it an innate part of who you are. Change is possible.

  ★ Don’t let guilt, shame or fear stop you from getting help for your anxiety. You are not alone and you can get better.

  ★ You are a brilliant human being and way more capable than you think!

  CHAPTER 3

  Anxiety: your biggest teacher

  Turn your wounds into wisdom.

  OPRAH WINFREY

  I know the idea of there being anything positive about anxiety is highly counter-intuitive, but stay with me. Because here’s the truth: anxiety is a messenger and it’s calling out for you to pay attention. It wants you to learn something, change something, understand something or heal something. If you dig below the surface of your anxious symptoms, there’s often a belief or experience at their root, or a need that’s not being met. When you stop being afraid of your anxiety and turn the fear into curiosity, you can recognize what it’s trying to teach you. That way, you can shift it for good and often deal with the deeper unresolved issue in the process.

  The problem is that, mostly (and kind of understandably), we just want our anxiety to go away as quickly and painlessly as possible. We ignore it. We try to keep going, hoping it will resolve itself. Or we tell ourselves that, if we stay busy enough, we won’t have to feel it. We paper over it with medication, work, sex, alcohol or the thrill of another achievement, but the anxiety keeps resurfacing until we eventually learn to meet our needs.

  There is a shortcut. If we welcome anxiety and treat it as a friend or a teacher, it can help us to learn something about ourselves. Paradoxically, embracing our anxiety can be the quickest way to live a less anxious life.

  My anxiety was trying to teach me a number of things. Firstly, and perhaps most fundamentally, to be more open and accepting of myself; to love myself and know that I was worthy of love. Until a few years ago I felt I had to hide the real me since no one could possibly like me if they knew what I was really like. At school I always felt like an outsider. My parents were from the south of England but had moved to the north when I was little. We were tall, skinny vegetarians living in a northern town famous for its love of meat pies. I was one of the tallest people in my year, ate ‘weird’ food and spoke with a funny accent. I desperately needed to fit in so I would save all my pocket money to buy the
latest tracksuit jackets, trying to look like everyone else, but they never seemed to fit my abnormally long arms. I would turn bright red when my English teacher put me on the spot to answer a question. I felt wrong, as if I didn’t fit. I was different, and terrified of being seen for who I was.

  I started dating and chose men who were either emotionally unavailable or mirrored back to me the same lack of respect I had for myself. When I met my current boyfriend, when I was twenty-three, the relationship was initially filled with anxiety. I was a bottomless pit of neediness, super insecure and desperate for love and reassurance. I would often get sick with jealousy. All my thoughts and feelings expressed my need for love but I wanted it all from another person – from him. So when my boyfriend pointed out that perhaps if I loved myself a bit more I wouldn’t be so anxious and unstable, it was a revelation – I’d never considered doing that! Surely loving yourself was arrogant and self-centred?

  In fact, it was exactly what I needed to do. I hadn’t realized that having a healthy level of self-respect was an essential component of a calm and happy life.

  From that moment I slowly began to learn, day by day, that I would continue to feel insecure for as long as I sought security outside of myself, because external things – and that includes other people – are, essentially, outside of our control. But when love, acceptance and security come from within us, we always have enough. Only I could meet my own need for love, and the same goes for you. We all have within us a limitless supply of love. My anxiety was pointing me towards learning to be that source of love for myself and to learn that I am OK, regardless of what other people think of me.

  Another thing I’ve learnt from befriending my anxiety is to allow myself to try things and be bad at them. Previously, I would only ever do things I knew I could do well, which kept me stuck in a comfort zone. Anxiety stopped me growing for fear of making a fool of myself. But I’ve learnt that I don’t need to be perfect at everything and that experiencing discomfort doesn’t mean I can’t still move forward and do what I set out to do. I needn’t let feeling scared hold me back.

  A major lesson I’ve learnt from anxiety, one that I continue to work on, is to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n and take care of myself. Walking, eating, working, whatever – I always wanted to do it all fast! Many of us have a tendency to want to rush, to overwork, over-push, over-pressurize and over-caffeinate to keep going. Our bodies, brains and nervous systems aren’t designed for this kind of pressure over the long term, so eventually they push back. Tense shoulders, a racing heart, a dodgy tummy and panic attacks can all stem from trying to do too much. All these symptoms were alarm bells telling me I needed to change my lifestyle, urgently.

  So I made time for the important stuff: meditation, exercise and chatting on the phone to people I loved. Nowadays, if I find myself trying to push too hard, my body always lets me know. The difference is that, now, I listen. Yours will shout louder and louder until you listen, too. What’s it saying right now? Maybe it’s trying to tell you that life isn’t a race and you’re not trying to get anywhere; in fact, you’re already where you need to be.

  My client Annabel, thirty-nine, works in the City. For years she was a workaholic, always rushing from place to place, never giving herself a chance to rest and process things. There was always something to worry about, from forgetting to turn off the hob before she left for work to big stuff, such as the health of her family. She was tired but wired. Her adrenaline levels were consistently high and she would get to the end of the day feeling exhausted and overwhelmed but unable to sleep.

  A big part of our work together was focused on figuring out what Annabel’s anxiety was trying to communicate to her. She realized that her need for balance was not being met and that she had to work on her lifestyle. Issues around low self-worth were pushing her to overwork and over-achieve in order to feel worthwhile. She needed to build more rest into her day and start setting boundaries with people. Slowing down helped her to feel less overwhelmed so that she could finally trust herself to handle things.

  Exercise: learning from anxiety

  Sit down, take some deep breaths and close your eyes. With every out breath, feel yourself relaxing deeper into your chair. When you’re relaxed, ask yourself, ‘What is this anxiety trying to teach me? What does it want me to learn, change or do?’ Some examples might be: to love yourself more, to slow down, to take care of yourself, to stand up for yourself, to set boundaries, to step up and do the things you’re scared to do, to take life less seriously, to trust yourself, to let go, to take action, or to walk away from a situation. Listen closely for what things come to mind for you and write them down in a notebook.

  Changing the broken record

  Anxiety is sometimes the result of replaying unresolved emotional pain from the past, like a record that’s stuck on repeat. Almost all of us (scrap that, all of us!) have an issue that could do with being resolved. None of us comes out of childhood unscathed. When we’re young we’re like sponges, absorbing experiences, things we’re told and things that we see other people doing. But when we’re too young to fully understand the situations and behaviours we’re witnessing, we often give them incorrect meanings. We end up arriving at the wrong conclusions.

  I had a client, Claire, twenty-two, whose dad had had an affair and left the family when she was eight years old. Much of her anxiety centred on the fear that she was unlovable and would always be abandoned. She had misinterpreted her dad leaving as being her fault. She would worry constantly when she was in a relationship, feeling insecure, tense and terrified. The anxiety was a symptom of something deeper, a signpost pointing towards pain from the past that needed to be healed.

  I asked Claire to visualize her eight-year-old self and to stand alongside her. Claire told her younger self that Dad leaving was not her fault, that he really did love her but was acting the way he did because of his own issues and his own pain. She gave her younger self a big hug and reassured her that things would be OK. This is a powerful exercise for resolving pain in the past and changing negative self-beliefs.

  Exercise: helping ‘little you’

  Imagine you’re standing alongside your younger self at a time when you really needed some love and support. Explain to her the things she doesn’t understand at this point in her life. Is there anything she needs to know? What does she need to learn? What words of encouragement, love and support can you give her? If you want to, you can imagine someone else there to help you – a wise soul offering advice. What would they say about this situation? Now imagine giving your younger self a big hug and telling her that everything is going to be all right. Make some notes about the things you said and re-read them often.

  You won’t be anxious for ever

  When you befriend your anxiety and accept that it has valuable lessons to teach you, you take the fundamental first step to an anxiety-free life. The next thing to take on board is that change is possible. You are not an intrinsically anxious person. You can totally do this!

  For a start, anxiety is not solely genetic. Genetic factors can cause a predisposition for anxiety but it’s your experiences and lifestyle that have the biggest impact on whether or not you suffer from it. Traumatic or stressful events, having anxious parents or not taking proper care of yourself can all cause you to feel anxious. The good news is that most of the reasons you’re anxious are learnt, which means you can unlearn them.

  Even deeply distressing experiences don’t have to stay with you for ever. An interesting study done on rats discovered that rodents deprived of maternal love and attention became more anxious as adults. But this anxiety was reversible.1 Your genetic predisposition or early childhood experiences can be overcome.

  So your anxiety is not a hard-wired part of who you are. In fact, you have a huge amount of power to change your brain’s wiring for the better. Up until recently, it was thought that the brain’s structure was fixed, but scientists now agree that our experiences in life reorganize our neural pathways. For example, Lo
ndon taxi drivers have to memorize the names of every street in the city. This leads to an enlargement of the hippocampus, the area in the brain responsible for visual-spatial memory. People who regularly meditate change the structure of their brain in positive ways, too. If we choose carefully what we think, say and do on a regular basis, we can actually forge new mental pathways to favour more optimistic, uplifted and positive thoughts.2

  But you needn’t become a cabbie or a Buddhist nun to change your brain for the better. Exercise and socializing are two simple activities that have been found to change the way your brain handles stress because, when you’re in interesting and stimulating environments, your brain creates new pathways and becomes more resilient as a result.

  Change your mindset with meditation

  One of the easiest ways to begin to change your neural pathways for the better and to calm an anxious mind is with meditation. It’s been around for centuries and for good reason – it works! If you’re not already a seasoned meditator, you might think of it as ‘airy fairy, New Age, ain’t-nobody-got-time-for-that’ type stuff. As one of my clients recently said, ‘One step too hippy for me.’ Or maybe it’s something you wish you could do, if only you could sit cross-legged long enough and shut out all your thoughts. I can relate. I used to think exactly the same way.

  In the seventies Mum and Dad were caught up in the hippy movement. The day they met, Dad had shoulder-length hair and was wearing bright red flared corduroy trousers. Straight away my mum knew he was The One. They were juicing before juicing was en vogue and meditation for them was a daily practice. Fast-forward a few years to me as an anxious teenager … and I really could have benefited from doing the meditation Mum suggested I do. The only problem was I’d already found my inner peace. And it lived at the bottom of a blue alcopop bottle.