The Anxiety Solution Read online

  Many of us take on far too much responsibility for what other people think and feel. When we’re children we learn that other people’s feelings are our responsibility. Growing up, I felt that, if Mum was upset or angry, it was my fault and my job to fix it. If Dad was irritable or worried, I would feel horribly guilty. I was a sensitive child! But children don’t understand that other people’s own pain and hurt is the main cause of their negative feelings.

  We want people to like us and we may even try to change ourselves so that they do. The problem is, thinking we can control another person’s thoughts and feelings is delusional. People think and feel the way they do because of their own stuff. Yes, we should do our best to take on board other people’s feelings, be considerate, helpful and supportive, but it’s vital that we recognize that there are limits to what we can or should do, especially if it means we are squashing parts of ourselves. Most people with anxiety take on board way too much responsibility for other people’s issues. Trying to mould yourself or supressing your true self in order to please others is hugely stressful and a sure-fire way to stay anxious.

  Self-esteem and ‘comparisonitis’

  It might only take a glimpse at your Instagram feed to trigger an internal dialogue along the lines of, ‘Why am I not doing more with my life? I should be cooking exquisite yet healthy and artfully arranged food every day! Why is everyone out having so much fun while I sit here feeling crap? I shouldn’t have eaten that bowl of pasta … maybe that’s why I have so much flesh on my inner thighs …’ Blah blah blah.

  When we compare our lives with other people’s, it’s easy for worries about how we ‘must do and be better’ to spiral into full-on self-loathing. But remember, these people are not posting about the #periodpain #bloating #anxious-as-all-hell and #self-loathing that a lot of them are feeling, even those with the supposedly perfect lives. That’s because, well, it probably wouldn’t sell stuff or get as many likes. But I guarantee that everyone, no matter how great their lives may appear online, has something shitty going on. Everyone is dealing with something and no one is giving us the whole story on their social media feed.

  Back in the fifties, psychologist Leon Festinger devised the social comparison theory. It states that humans have an inbuilt desire to evaluate how they’re doing. We’ll often use comparison as a way to do this. The problem is that, nowadays, comparison has got totally out of control because we’re comparing ourselves not just to Katie who lives down the road but to Taylor Swift, Karlie Kloss and unlimited other superstars and models. The fact that we’re so exposed, 24/7, to the world’s richest, most successful and beautiful people means we’re comparing ourselves to standards that are unattainable for 99 per cent of the population. (Saying that, even if you are one of the 1 per cent you’re not immune to comparison because there’s always someone younger, richer and more beautiful living a more ‘fun’ life than you. There are no winners in the comparison game.)

  But even comparing ourselves to our peers can be really toxic. If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it’s flooded with pictures of school friends in white dresses and/or with their adorable babies. We see everyone’s gorgeous holiday selfies, their blossoming careers and the number of likes they have on their posts. It’s great to see our friends doing well but it can also create a huge amount of pressure and a desperate sense that we’re being left behind. We end up focusing on what we don’t have or haven’t (yet) achieved, and it’s all too easy to decide there’s something wrong with us.

  This is when it’s crucial to come back to our own lives. Firstly, remember to ask yourself whether you really do want those things (whether it’s marriage or babies or a high-flying career) or whether they’re the things society says you ought to want. It’s also really helpful to appreciate all the amazing things we do have. And, above all, remember that there will always be people who are more successful/attractive/smart/interesting/whatever than you are. That’s just a fact of life. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, nothing good can come of it. It’s a battle you can’t win and an addiction you need to give up. So I’m declaring here and now that ‘I’m out!’ of the comparison party and I invite you to join me.

  Connection rather than competition

  If you’re comparing yourself to someone, why not reach out and congratulate them instead? If that’s not possible, mentally cheer them on. Celebrate the accomplishments of other people and your own. Pile praise on your colleague who just got promoted. Wish your friend well on her round-the-world trip. The energy of support and connection is so much better than that of comparison and competition. Your anxiety will decrease and you’ll feel better.

  Allow yourself to be inspired by the other person. Maybe their achievements and successes can ignite a passion to take some positive action for yourself? When other people do well, it shows us what’s possible. Sometimes, when we’re comparing ourselves with others, it’s because there’s a part of us that knows that we’re capable of doing or achieving what the other person has. So if you really want something, whether it’s to buy a house or a Burberry coat, have a child or a great career, trust that it’s on the way to you or make a plan to make it happen. Otherwise, let it go and focus on what’s going great for you right now.

  I used to put myself down and compare myself to other women doing similar work to me. These days I get inspired by others, by the exciting opportunities available and about what’s possible. I mentally cheer them on rather than beating myself up for not being the same as them. Then I focus fully on the fantastic things that are happening in my world and appreciate myself for all the progress I’ve made and how far I’ve come. You can do the same.

  Just do you

  There isn’t, nor will there ever be, another you. You are a one-time event in the universe. You have your own unique blend of gifts and strengths and your own unique challenges and struggles. It’s time to celebrate yourself and to acknowledge that everyone is special in his or her own way. No one can do things quite the way you do; no one has the personality, sense of humour, quirks or style you have.

  You are not here to be better at things than other people; you’re here to be the best that you can possibly be. If you’re going to compare yourself to anyone, let it be to yourself. You are always growing and learning. That’s a damn certainty. There are things that you can do today that you wouldn’t have been able to do five or ten years ago. You’ve overcome difficulties, gained insights, evolved as a person. You’ve helped other people along the way, too. Remind yourself of all the progress you’ve made and that you continue to make. You’re amazing!

  Exercise: cure your ‘comparisonitis’

  Keep a gratitude journal, or ‘jar of awesome’. (See here for the jar of awesome and check out the Anxiety Solution Toolkit in Chapter nine for lots of ideas on how to bring about a sense of calm gratitude for what you already have.) It can also help to do a media cleanse and, if you need to, un-follow anyone who triggers unhelpful comparisons. Focus on yourself and all the progress you’ve made. Make a list of all the things you’ve learnt, all the insights you’ve gained, the people you’ve helped and the success you’ve had. Recognize the way you’ve grown as a person over the years, even through your struggles. Focus on being the best that you can be. Finally, support and cheer on other women who are doing well. Connect rather than compete. Use them as inspiration to fuel your own success.

  Summary

  ★ Feeling that nothing we do is good enough and that we must be perfect in order to be loved is practically a universal anxiety.

  ★ The antidote to this perfectionism is healthy and realistic self-esteem.

  ★ Healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean being an egotistical monster. It means believing that you are an intrinsically valuable person, just as you are, and being as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.

  ★ When we have healthy self-esteem we stop worrying what other people think of us, stop comparing ourselves to others and focus on our own goals and pleasures.

  CHAPTER 5

  Decisions, decisions

  Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.

  DR PHIL MCGRAW

  Does making decisions leave you anxious and overwhelmed? You’re not alone. We all have to make decisions all day long, from little things, such as what to wear, which email to reply to first and what to eat for dinner to bigger ones such as – you know – where to live, what to do for a job and what to do with our lives (eek!). We’ve never had so many decisions to make. One of the advantages of the modern world is that it’s made so many possibilities available to us, but the downside is it can all feel overwhelming. So much so that we end up shying away from choosing for fear of making the ‘wrong’ choice. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes but if you suffer from anxiety you are more prone to beating yourself up about your past decisions, convinced you made bad ones. When we’re anxious, even stuff that’s pretty unimportant in the big scheme of things – which brand of butter or dog food to buy in the supermarket – can seem impossible to resolve. Sometimes we end up in analysis paralysis, taking no action at all because it’s all too scary.

  Spoilt by choice

  Can you have too much of a good thing? Apparently so. Having too much choice seems like a First World problem (and it is), but it’s no less real for that. We’re drowning in options, and it’s stressing us out.

  My client Katherine, forty-two, tells me, ‘I find it hard to concentrate in the supermarket. I get so distracted. I always used to plan meals for the week as I walked around but I just can’t manage it any more. These days, I have to do online shops, with my spreadsheet open.’

  Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, carried out a study that showed that when confronted w
ith twenty-four flavours of jam, participants were less likely to buy one than if there were only six flavours. The over-abundance of choice makes it harder to decide, so would-be buyers end up purchasing nothing. Having more options can mean you’re unable to make decisions because it’s just so damn confusing.

  Too many choices can also lead to you thinking that the elusive ‘perfect’ option must exist, if only you could figure it out. Whether it’s finding your perfect pair of jeans (I’ve been there; the search continues), planning the best possible holiday or choosing your ideal partner on Tinder, having infinite choices and endless information at your fingertips means you can set your standards incredibly high and put pressure on yourself not to make a ‘bad’ decision.

  Schwartz’s research suggests that analysing and agonizing over every possibility is making us miserable and that those who are able to settle for ‘good enough’ are far more likely to find contentment. Searching for perfection is kind of like chasing a unicorn: you’ll never find it and you’ll end up exhausted and dispirited in the process. If you’re prone to perfectionism, ask yourself, ‘Is this decision good enough?’ Good enough is good enough! Make it and move on.

  Suffering from decision fatigue

  There’s a reason we get so worn out by decision-making: it literally uses up mental energy. The process of choosing drains our willpower, which, according to the American Psychological Association, is a finite resource.1 It also uses up glucose, because your brain runs on sugar, so don’t be surprised if you’re constantly reaching for the chocolate bars or sweets when you’re trying to choose, decide or make plans. Basically, making decisions is hard work and if your anxious mind is causing you to analyse every single tiny choice, you’re going to end up exhausted pretty quickly. (Reportedly, Barack Obama and Mark Zuckerberg wear the same thing every day – a suit and a grey T-shirt, respectively – to take that one decision-making process out of their lives, freeing up mental energy for bigger, more important decisions.) If you think decision fatigue may be wearing you out, have a look at your life to see whether you could eradicate some areas of decision-making. (I mean, if it works for Obama and Zuckerberg, it must be good.)

  Having a solid routine can help you create structure, which removes the need for decision-making and feels comforting. For example, I like having the same morning routine each day. I also like exercising at the same time, having fewer options in my wardrobe and sticking to a shopping list when I buy food.

  Decluttering and having a more minimal, streamlined home can also save you mental energy. All those annoying little things – the key for the filing cabinet you can’t find, the cupboard stuffed with empty boxes you need to throw out, the kitchen drawer that’s a mess – all subtly drain you of energy. I recently decluttered a load of my clothes and beauty products. I now have fewer options and each choice is a no-brainer. Simpler equals better in my view.

  There are no perfect decisions

  My client Carley, twenty-six, from Hertfordshire, blames her perfectionism and overly high expectations on decision-making anxiety. ‘I had this huge anxiety about whether to go travelling. I was trying to decide whether to buy a European train pass, worrying about things like whether it would be worth the money or not. I wanted to have the “perfect” summer but I wound myself into such a state wondering if it was the “right” decision or not. I spiralled into a deeply anxious state because of it.’

  Reminder: there are no ‘perfect’ decisions. It’s all about your attitude. Things can feel perfect when you accept them as they are and accept that your best is good enough. Once you’ve made a decision, what you make of the outcome is key. Your anxious mind can trick you into thinking things are black and white and that decisions are either good or bad. But that’s not the way it works. If you really can’t decide between two things, could it be that both are good choices? Pushing to try to make things perfect often makes you miserable. There are numerous good possibilities out there for you and there is no single solution to any problem.

  Plus, external factors outside of your control can change outcomes. You choose to go on holiday to France, for example, but it rains for a few days so you can’t do all the things you’d hoped to do. Was there an error in your decision-making? Nope, it’s just a shame that it rained. You made the right decision for you at the time. Nothing in life stays the same; everything is changing constantly. We can’t always control what happens, but we can control how we respond to events. Learning to recognize what’s outside of your control can mean the difference between anxiety and calm.

  An obsession with the perfect decision often stems from a fear of making a mistake. But mistakes are an inevitable part of life, so to expect yourself never to make any is just plain unfair! Besides, without them you wouldn’t have any opportunities for learning. I wonder how many so-called ‘mistakes’ have led you to opportunities you never would have had otherwise? You choose to walk to the station instead of getting the bus and end up missing the train but it leads to an incredible conversation with someone you meet on the platform. You get lost, but you discover a new part of town you haven’t been to before. You go out with a guy who turns out to be a dick, but you rediscover how much you love your friends in the process. Never underestimate how much a supposedly bad decision can end up helping you. Every experience has something to teach you, as long as you’re open to it.

  Sometimes, when I’m struggling, I pretend I’m the lovable lead in an eighties movie during the ‘training montage’ – you know, those sections where the character is shown struggling, failing and trying over and over again to accomplish something, all to a cheesy soundtrack. The best example is probably that bit in Dirty Dancing where Baby is learning to dance with Johnny. She starts out being rubbish but by the end of the song, and the montage of shots, she has mastered most of the moves and is on her way to being a dancing star (and being in love with Patrick Swayze’s character). Your life is like that training montage. Trying things, learning a lot and finally triumphing, but not before a lot of mistakes and failures, is what we all have to go through. Even when you fail, the audience – your friends, your family, Mother Nature, the universe! – is rooting for you and knows you’ll succeed eventually. Keep going, because you are always learning and making progress. And remember that the people who really matter will love you, no matter what.

  You choose your outcome

  Michael Neill, life coach and author of The Inside Out Revolution, says any decision is far less important than how you deal with whatever arises from it. You can make your decisions good. You can handle and adapt to whatever results from that choice.

  I used to get caught up in little decisions, such as which restaurant to suggest for a night out with a friend. I would spend the whole time worrying about whether they liked it and whether I’d made the ‘right’ choice, so much so that it was hard for me to just relax and enjoy the evening. Now I tell myself that it’s up to me to make the decision good by accepting it and focusing on enjoying it as much as possible.

  You can make almost any decision the ‘right’ one by adjusting the attitude you bring to it. Be kind to yourself about the decisions you make. Notice the way you speak to yourself about your choices and apply the friend filter: would you speak to your best friend like that if she were worrying about a decision? Try saying a daily affirmation to yourself, such as, ‘I trust myself to make decisions’ or ‘I am capable and wise.’ One of my favourites is ‘I make the best of every decision.’

  Remember, very few decisions are final. Most of the time, life is a series of adjustments. If you weren’t keen on what you chose for dinner, you can make something else tomorrow. If you don’t like the holiday destination, you go somewhere else next time. If you move in with your partner and they turn out not to be The One, you can move out again. Yes, that would be rubbish, but maybe you wouldn’t know until you tried. There is almost always a way to reverse decisions if they really don’t work out.